What Can a Conference Do for You?

guest blog by Elaine Taylor-Klaus, CPCC, PCC

To say that my life changed dramatically after attending my first CHADD conference is the understatement of the year. My eyes were opened and widened at that first conference. I was struck most by the sense of community, the sense that we all belonged together, and the realization that I was not alone. There were so many others “out there” who understood — plus others who were helping and supporting other parents just like I wanted to do.

I met a woman there who had an experience similar to mine. We agreed to join forces to help other parents using the skills we had each learned in coaching training. We wanted to offer the kind of help we each wished we’d had years earlier on our journeys.

Long story short, we returned to the CHADD conference the following year with the honor of being recognized as an Innovative Program. Wow! We launched our new venture and returned as exhibitors the following year. Since then we have returned each year as presenters.

I have been an active volunteer for CHADD for several years, and now serve on the national board of directors. CHADD’s conference is one of the highlights of my year — it’s a chance to learn, explore, teach, ask questions, connect with other parents and professionals, and know that I’m doing something constructive every year to keep my family on a solid course to success.

Now, imagine what attending this year's conference could do for you and your family!

Don't miss this year's CHADD conference in New Orleans! Hear from top ADHD experts; engage in the issues that matter most; learn new strategies.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus, CPCC, PCC, is the cofounder of ImpactADHD.

A Conference & A Life Lesson

guest blog by Marie S. Paxson

At my very first CHADD conference, I heard educator Terry Illes explain to parents that "I don't know" is an acceptable answer to the question, "Why did you do that?" Until then, whenever one of my children with ADHD got into mischief, hearing "I don't know" as their explanation only made me more annoyed. I usually followed up with something like "How can you NOT know?" or "Well, you can go to your room and think about it until you know!" I thought I was teaching them to think before they acted next time.

Then Dr. Illes explained executive function and the part of the brain responsible for advance planning. Impulsive behavior means no advance planning occurred. Therefore my kids really didn't know why they caused a problem. And my role wasn't to punish or shame them for skills they did not have, but to help them understand how their brains worked and how to compensate for EF differences.

I had a life lesson a few months after that conference. My 11-year-old son insisted on "helping" me by unloading a warehouse-size bag of cat litter from my car. When he reached our entryway, instead placing the bag on the floor, he simply let go of the bag from about chest high. Dust and clay particles went everywhere. I didn't yell, but my body language indicated my annoyance as we cleaned up the mess in stony silence. A few hours later, my son came to me and said, "Mom, how did you know the bag of kitty litter would explode if I didn't set it down gently?" I answered, "I don't know." AND that was the truth.

I'm so glad I attended the conference, because now when my children say, "I don't know," I realize they are being truthful.

Don't miss this year's CHADD conference in New Orleans! Hear from top ADHD experts; engage in the issues that matter most; learn new strategies.
Marie S. Paxson is a past president of CHADD.

Friendship Feedback & Parents with ADHD

guest blog by Amori Yee Mikami, PhD

This series on being a friendship coach for your child with ADHD began with a discussion on building a positive parent-child relationship. I also shared guidelines for helping your child make and keep friends.

My next post described how to set up successful playdates, the cornerstones to deepening friendships among elementary-school children.

Today let's consider the quality of the feedback you give your child following those playdates. Learn from the examples to make comments that actually help your child. And if you have ADHD, too, here are some specialized tips on being your child's friendship coach.

Giving your child friendship feedback

Here are some tips and examples of helpful and not-so-helpful comments from parents to children.

1. Keep it brief. It will be easier for your child to follow what you say.

• Poor: "In this last playdate you talked with your friend early on about who should go first, which your friend wanted to do, and I think that was helpful to lead to your friend feeling welcomed by you as a guest here."   
• Better: "Nice job letting your friend go first."

2. Be specific. Your child needs to know exactly what behavior is expected.

• Poor: "Nobody likes it if you are a bad sport when you lose."
• Better: "If you lose you can say 'good game' to the winner."

3. Stay in the present. This is especially important when you are giving negative feedback; the child can’t do anything about the past.

• Poor: "You always have to move your guest’s pieces in games. You did that today with your guest, you did it the last time we had a playdate too, and your teacher says this is a problem at school too." 
• Better: "I think that your guest today wanted to move his own pieces in the game. Next time, you move your own when it’s your turn and let your guest move his own when it’s his turn."

4. Stay positive. Catch your child being good to encourage more of that behavior in the future.

• Poor: "You shared your dolls but then you really didn’t share your video games after that. You need to work harder on sharing the whole time."
• Better: "Awesome job sharing your dolls so well! Your friend really liked that."

All in the family

Sometimes parents of children with ADHD have ADHD symptoms, too. This can make being a friendship coach for the child easier in some ways and more challenging in others. Here are some tips to remember:

•    Empathize with your child.

Having ADHD yourself can make you more patient and understanding when dealing with your child’s friendship difficulties. This has the positive benefit of building a good parent-child relationship so that your child trusts you to be on his side and help him as a friendship coach. Also, having ADHD may help you better anticipate your child’s social behaviors and needs.

•    Take things one step at a time.

Some parents with ADHD struggle with providing the level of structured, organized playdate that is recommended here. Just pick one friendship-coaching tip that is realistic to try with your child first, and focus on doing that one tip well. It might help to write on your calendar which friendship-coaching tip you have chosen so that you are reminded about your goal. Once you practice the tip it will get easier, and then you can work on adding another friendship coaching tip later.

•    Work together as a team.

Some parents with ADHD have difficulty networking with other parents, similar to the difficulties that their child with ADHD has in relating to the other children. You and your child might both set a goal that, during soccer practice, both of you will talk to other adults and children to each think about one potential friend to invite for a playdate. Remember to celebrate your successes as a team afterward, too.

An earlier version of this post appeared in Attention magazine. Join CHADD and receive every issue!

Join the conversation about parenting kids with ADHD on Attention connection, your social network for all things ADHD!


Amori Yee Mikami, PhD, is an associate professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia and a registered clinical psychologist in British Columbia. She previously taught at the University of Virginia. Mikami received CHADD’s 2006 Young Scientist Award.

Fun & Friendship: Tips for Successful Playdates

guest blog by Amori Yee Mikami, PhD

While your child with ADHD attends elementary school, you can aim for one to two high-quality, supervised playdates per week. As I mentioned in last week's blog, playdates are the cornerstones to deepening friendships among children at that age.

Remind yourself that your child will have better and worse days as he or she is working on being a better friend. We all have ups and downs. Try not to get too discouraged with yourself or with your child when there are minor setbacks, so long as your child’s friendship-making skills are improving overall.

Also, remember that your child does not need to be the most popular boy or girl in the class. In fact, sometimes children who are the most popular develop other problems. The goal is for your child to maintain a small group of close friends who truly like one another and can turn to each other for support. If you can invest in helping your child develop a few strong friendships, then this will set the stage for your child to become a happy, well-adjusted adult.

Here are some tips to make playdates happy occasions.

Before the playdate

•    Choose the right friend to invite over (see last week's blog on identifying good potential friends).
•    Have your child and the friend decide in advance what they would like to do during the playdate. Then, plan the activity with your child and don’t leave a lot of unstructured downtime.
•    Put away (with your child) any toys that your child doesn’t want the guest to touch.
•    Have snacks on hand in case there is a period of boredom. Then you can bring out snacks and revitalize the interaction.
•    If there are poor friendship behaviors that your child shows consistently, pick no more than one or two to discuss with your child in advance. Tell your child you’ll be watching out for him to do well in these areas and (if necessary) you will give him a reward afterward for behaving well. Remember to tell your child the positive behavior you would like to see and to pick a standard that is slightly above his child’s current performance, but not so far above that it is unattainable.
•    Make the first playdate last no longer than one hour. Make it a shorter amount of time if you are not sure your child can behave for one hour. The guest should leave on a good note.

During the playdate

•    If your child is showing minor behavior problems, calmly whisper a reminder in her ear.
•    If the behavior problems are more severe or if the reminder doesn’t work, ask to see your child in the other room and tell her what behaviors need to be changed. If you do it privately with your child, it won’t make the guest feel awkward. If your child is behaving that poorly, the guest will have already noticed that, and will be relieved that you are doing something about it.
•    Unless the problems are so severe that someone is in danger, don’t send the guest home. The guest shouldn’t be punished for your child’s misbehavior. Plus, your child loses the opportunity to socialize. Give your child a different punishment afterward. Then, ask yourself what you could do differently next time before the playdate to reduce the likelihood that this will happen again.

After the playdate
•    If true, tell the other parent that the children had a good time and you hope they can get together again.
•    Use the principles of effective feedback to tell your child specifically what was and was not good friendship-making. Remember the 4:1 ratio and to praise for even 25 percent correct.
•    If you had a contract with your child about how to behave, then give your child the rewards that you promised if your child showed these target behaviors.

NEXT WEEK: How do you give your child friendship feedback? Can you be your child's friendship coach if you have ADHD, too?


An earlier version of this post appeared in Attention magazine. Join CHADD and receive every issue! Join the conversation about parenting kids with ADHD on Attention connection, your social network for all things ADHD!


Amori Yee Mikami, PhD, is an associate professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia and a registered clinical psychologist in British Columbia. She previously taught at the University of Virginia. Mikami received CHADD’s 2006 Young Scientist Award.