Words of Encouragement

by Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC

One of the best things I learned from coach training is that you can’t make someone else act or think in a certain way. You can only model good behavior and be a good example. Ultimately, each person has to take ownership for his or her life. So whether you are addressing your spouse or your child with ADHD, don’t attempt to mold them like clay. It doesn’t work! Besides, you can’t wave the magic brain-changing wand and make ADHD symptoms go away. But there is one thing you can do: You can encourage people and build them up.

Words can build up or they can tear down. Words that tear down can be internalized and may falsely define who another person is. Words that build up may inspire another person to greatness. Discouraging words also can alienate and result in communication breakdown and lack of trust.

Encouragement goes straight to the heart, however.

Knowing what a big difference encouragement has made in your own life, how can you be an encouragement to those in your family? Here are some tips:

1. Be aware of what encourages you and do the same for others.
2. Write your spouse or child a note with words of encouragement.
3. Always be specific when you offer praise: “You did a great job at _____.”   “I really appreciate that you _____.”
4. When you see positive changes in the other person’s life, affirm that person: “You really seem to have a great attitude about _____.”
5. If encouraging thoughts come to mind, share them with your family.
6. We all make mistakes, so look beyond fault. It may just be an opportunity for you to teach that there is much learning to be gained through failure.
7. Remember that most people may not reach their potential without someone believing in them and taking the time to tell them so.

Terry

Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC, is the founder and director of The Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan that has served and supported children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD for over eleven years. He has been a principal study investigator for several clinical ADHD medication trials. A Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, he is a graduate of the ADD Coach Academy and the Coaches Training Institute. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, Dr. Dickson speaks regularly on ADHD and has been interviewed locally and nationally on radio, television, and CHADD’s Ask the Expert online. Dr. Dickson and his wife of 32 years have two teenage children, both of whom have ADHD.

The Poncho Principle and the Siesta Effect

by Tracey Powell, MS

I didn't know I'd be learning several highly scientific principles of parenting ten years ago when we brought home our two beloved puppies, Poncho and Siesta (names not changed to protect confidentiality).

Poncho, the brown and black one, was eager to please and passed all good puppy tests such as fetching, coming when called, etc. Siesta failed all such tests, especially the one when you put a blanket over your puppy to see how vigorously it tries to get out. She liked it there and to this day loves to hang out on or under a blanket. This was our first parenting lesson in appreciating everyone's unique personality.

The Poncho Principle was learned way later, when our two daughters were toddlers or preschoolers and the demands of childcare and scheduling had gone way up. Up to the point when trading $500 for one uninterrupted hour of personal time would have seemed totally reasonable. So, in my overworked state, I was trying to get out the door for a scheduled appointment and needed to take my normally obedient dogs out for a bathroom break first. After running around getting everything ready with little help, Poncho could sense the stress and wanted nothing to do with me. He wouldn't come. I recall screaming near the top of my lungs at him: “Get over here!!” He promptly froze and peed on the carpet.

Poncho Principle—As angry yelling goes up, productivity goes down.

Yes, it's a true, little-known scientific principle. Yelling orders in anger is counterproductive. You will end up cleaning up extra messes if you fall into this regularly because kids will either (1) freeze and regress in fear like Poncho; (2) learn that push back is an effective way to get your attention, and your emotional reaction may end up fueling more oppositional behavior; or 3) be like Siesta and hide. Some kids will respond with compliance to occasional yelling, but these kids are also likely to respond just as well to much milder forms of instruction.

Bottom line: As your ability to keep calm increases, so does your child's ability to comply. Don't worry if you've done a good bit of yelling at your kids. We've all been there. The point is, it could be a sign to spend some time thinking about the next two principles.

Principle Two—Routines and praise work with dogs and kids.

If you are yelling a lot, it may be time to take a step back and think of what behaviors you need more of from your children. Whether it's self-care, using kind words, or being compliant, talk about what needs to change and make your expectations clear. Create a little routine and provide incentives. This could sound something like, “We've been having trouble getting out the door in the morning, so we need to focus on getting everything done by Go time. You will earn points to cash in for computer time at the end of the day when we follow our morning checklist cooperatively and are ready to go on time.” Get a visual timer. Make a game of it if you can.

Once you've developed a reasonably consistent routine, praise praise praise each step toward greater compliance with that routine. Using the incentives and specific praise will get you far, and you might even find over time that you're making very little use of consequences.

Dogs only need treats and lots of “good dog!” praises to know they're doing well. Kids are tougher and they will push back on routines for a while. The more oppositional or distractable your child, the more consistent work you'll have to put in. But keep telling him what you specifically liked about something he did each day, and eventually he'll see the pay-off of complying with family routines. Think, “I like how you put that game away right when you were finished with it. That really helps things go smoothly,” or “I like how you went to your room when your brother was starting to pester you. That seemed like a good choice.”

Because it is such hard work to be the creator of routines, and to keep giving praise on little points of progress, the Siesta effect might be the most important to remember for all overworked parents.

Siesta Effect—As you save energy and time for yourself, your parental effectiveness goes up.

Siesta loves to lounge and sees no need to jump up and do something for someone every time they ask (unless of course there's a highly attractive treat in hand). Think of her when your kids are asking for too much help and you're thinking they should do this themselves, but you just need to make the whining stop. Go back to thinking of the routine you'd like to see developing and start working on it. Your child will become self-sufficient more quickly and feel proud of the accomplishment if you take the time to set up that routine.

Think of how scared little Poncho must have been when I lost it and yelled at him. But remember, don't beat yourself up if you have yelled. Just return to following routines and the Siesta effect. Because four out of five seasoned parents surveyed would probably rank “Taking Care of Yourself” as Important Parenting Principle Number One.

 

 

Tracey Powell, MS, has over five years of experience as an individual coach/therapist and family coach and is affiliated with Psych Ed Coaches in Northern Virginia. She specializes in working with people with ADHD and related conditions including anxiety, depression, social challenges, and academic/career/personal transitions. Tracey works with children through adults and takes a supportive, action-oriented approach to helping clients meet clearly defined goals. She really enjoys helping parents develop positive parenting practices. Tracey is also a certified volunteer parenting educator with CHADD.

The Bird in the Mirror

by Terry Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC

We have lots of pets in our home. This morning, I noticed our parakeet looking at ‘himself’ in a mirror in his cage. He must think it is another bird like himself because he sits there for hours singing to his ‘friend.’ But the ‘other’ bird never sings back!

Do you ever feel like you are ‘singing’ your values and beliefs to your teenage son or daughter and there is no response, like you are talking to yourself? One thing is true: Unlike the bird in the mirror, your kids are hearing you whether or not they are living out your words or not. Continue to model for them good behavior and sing out your love to them. One day, it may make a difference!

In the meantime, here are some tips you can use to improve your relationship with your child:

1. Give your child unconditional love and acceptance.
2. Learn to better listen to your teen’s ideas, even if you don’t agree with them.
3. Model good behavior to your child. Be a good example.
4. Show your child that he or she has value and is important.
5. Allow your child to participate in decisionmaking with your guidance.
6. Give positive ‘strokes’ as much as possible such as compliments, hugs or pats on the back.
7. Don’t just focus on bad behavior or poor performance. Look for improvement and emphasize this instead.

Remember that your words, no matter how well meant, will seldom be heard if the relationship is not there. So cultivate an atmosphere of love and trust!

Enjoy!
Terry

Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC, is the founder and director of The Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan that has served and supported children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD for over eleven years. He is a graduate of the ADD Coach Academy and the Coaches Training Institute and serves as vice president of the board of directors of the ADHD Coaches Organization. He is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, Dr. Dickson speaks regularly on ADHD and has been interviewed locally and nationally on radio, television, and CHADD’s Ask the Expert online. Dr. Dickson and his wife of 32 years have two teenage children, both of whom have ADHD.

Ten Traits of Terrific Teachers

by Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC

Although this blog is addressed to parents, I hope teachers will identify and agree with the traits I describe.

Is your child struggling at school? What is his or her relationship with the teacher like?

Recently I was reminded of how NOT to teach students. My teenage daughter told me about an incident at school in which her feelings were quite hurt. Her teacher approached her and asked: "How did YOU get into Honors English? What kind of grade did you get in English before?" Ironically, my daughter has a solid "B" in the class, which isn't too bad. Perhaps you have encountered a teacher like this one before. Now if this particular teacher thought that she was encouraging, I've got news for her. You cannot hurt someone's feelings and then expect him or her to work harder. It usually doesn't work that way. In my opinion, the best teacher is someone who helps rather than discourages, who brings out the positives and is flexible to different learning styles.

In reality, the best teacher for a child with ADHD is someone who:
1. Is a good role model and is firm and fair to all students.

2. Has a positive attitude and tries to bring out the best in students.

3. Has a well-structured classroom with an environment that is safe and comfortable.

4. Is able to assist students with transitions and help them maintain focus and attention.

5. Is flexible to different learning styles.

6. Provides a high level of expectations yet is able to assist students to achieve success when they face new challenges.

7. Provides predictability in routines and schedules.

8. Is able to provide accommodations for students with special needs.

9. Emphasizes improvement and personal best efforts

10. Offers a lot of "hands-on," engaging instruction.

 

Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC, is the founder and director of The Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan that has served and supported children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD for over eleven years. He is a graduate of the ADD Coach Academy and the Coaches Training Institute and serves as vice president of the board of directors of the ADHD Coaches Organization. He is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, Dr. Dickson speaks regularly on ADHD and has been interviewed locally and nationally on radio, television, and CHADD’s Ask the Expert online. Dr. Dickson and his wife of 32 years have two teenage children, both of whom have ADHD.

Using Codewords

 

by Elaine Taylor-Klaus, CPCC

As long as I can recall, in our family we’ve used codewords to ease communication. When my kids were really little, they were visual cues, like reminders to use a fork or requests to lower the volume. As they grew older, they became verbal cues to help our kids learn to manage the intense emotionality that often comes with ADHD and anxiety.

Codewords are cues that we all agree upon in our family, words that we use to communicate with each other succinctly. Like a family whistle peeling through the air in a public space, codewords help us get to the heart of a matter quickly. Better yet, they help us avoid unnecessary meltdowns.

For example, “bubblegum” is a word we’ve used for about fourteen years. It means, “Brace yourself, because you might not like what I’m about to tell you.” Broccoli ice cream” has been around even longer. It means, “Someone is losing the ability to cope because s/he’s hungry. Stop everything, now, and get some food!”

Much like crying “uncle” when you’re ready to give up a wrestling match, codewords communicate big concepts in a flash. “Rope” in my family means, “Okay, everyone, back off because I’m trying really hard not to lose my cool.” And “Don’t poke the bear” (okay, it’s a codephrase), means, “leave your sister or brother alone because she’s really not in the mood right now to be messed with.”

What triggers in your family could be avoided with a few well-chosen codewords? If you’re not sure, ask your kids. Not only will they probably know, but they’ll likely do a better job of naming them than you. After all, would you ever have come up with broccoli ice cream?




Elaine Taylor-Klaus, CPCC, is the cofounder of ImpactADHD.com. Her website offers support for parents of children with ADHD, including tips, strategies, and coaching to make family life work. Whether new to the world of ADHD, or worn out from managing it, Elaine helps parents improve family life. Visit www.ImpactADHD.com.

Authoritative Parenting Has the Edge



by Tracey Powell, MS

 

In my coaching practice, when I begin to see family routine tides turning from frustrating and negative to more optimistic and healthy, two shifts are typically happening: 1) parents begin taking responsibility for their actions and get curious on how they can better influence their children’s behavior, 2) parents make less frequent use of practices falling into either the Authoritarian or Permissive parenting category, and instead begin opting for a more Authoritative approach.

If you can get past the confusing Authoritarian/Authoritative terminology, consider that Authoritative styles are consistently associated with positive outcomes for kids, like self-reliance, compliance, positive attitudes, etc. In Authoritative parenting the parent determines the structure, the child makes the choice to follow the structure or not (and experience consequences). This style teaches the child they can make good decisions and experience the payoffs.

It's especially important for children with ADHD and related conditions to experience a consistent structure where they can learn and experience some success. I also find in my family coaching work that parents come in frustrated, and may have forgotten their power to teach their child new habits and reward their efforts step by step. So, if you feel you've been stuck in your efforts to bring about a more peaceful, effective routine with your kids, it might be time to check in on your parenting style.

An Authoritarian style is typically a bit demanding, holding sometimes unrealistically high expectations (especially if the child has ADHD or other learning disability), and downplaying the need for the child to have input into decisionmaking. Authoritarian parents sometimes have a hard time rewarding progress, and might wonder, “Why should I thank my kid for making his bed, when that’s what he’s supposed to be doing?!”

If you find yourself using or thinking phrases like, “You might not like me but you will respect me,” or “do it now or else you won’t see your phone all weekend,” you might have Authoritarian parenting tendencies. The big problem with Authoritarian parenting techniques is they tend not to work for children with ADHD and related conditions. They can escalate conflict; leave little room for relationship building between the parent and child; and don't nurture the child's budding decisionmaking skills.

Parents with a Permissive style typically prefer to avoid conflict, provide inconsistent or no structure regarding rules and boundaries, and sometimes fall into relating to their kids more as friends than parents. Sometimes Permissive parents have trouble regulating their own emotions and behaviors. They can sometimes be overly helpful (enabling) toward their children and fail to support their kids in learning self-reliance. Sometimes the kid’s failure to take responsibility catches the Permissive parent on a bad day, leading the parent to do something drastic like throw out all the toys when a child won’t clean them up. The parent might later feel bad for overreacting and replace all the toys, leading to a lesson-not-learned.

Permissive parenting is ineffective for a child with ADHD because these children (and children in general) do best with consistency and clearly-set limits. The children end up feeling less safe and don’t take the parent seriously because of the lack of consistency, and the parent can feel drained by allowing so much flexibility.

Authoritative parents have high standards, but have reasonable expectations and take their children’s uniqueness into account when setting those expectations. It can be hard to shift toward being more Authoritative because sometimes parents feel they’re giving kids too much control, or it seems like extra work to always be calm and think of choices for the kids to make. I would argue that making the shift is worth some discomfort at first. You won’t be there to make all your child’s decisions, so it's important to make sure they have this skill. If you’re still not convinced, give some of the techniques a try and see if you find they’re more effective with your child. Kids can certainly surprise us when we put a goal out there, take a step back, and let them take charge of whether they're going to meet it.

If you've been leaning on an Authoritarian style, try thinking less about controlling the situation and more about building the trusting relationship and skills you want to develop with your kids.

Permissive parents, try thinking less about helping and doing things quickly, and more about building good self-care habits for yourself and your kids.

Remember it's about balance between being loving and providing structure, and supporting the growing tide of independence in our kids. Where do you fall on the Authoritarian—Permissive spectrum? Do you think Authoritative practices work best?


Tracey Powell, MS, has over five years of experience as an individual coach/therapist and family coach and is affiliated with Psych Ed Coaches in Northern Virginia. She specializes in working with people with ADHD and related conditions including anxiety, depression, social challenges, and academic/career/personal transitions. Tracey works with children through adults and takes a supportive, action-oriented approach to helping clients meet clearly defined goals. She really enjoys helping parents develop positive parenting practices. Tracey is also a certified volunteer parenting educator with CHADD.