The Bird in the Mirror

by Terry Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC

We have lots of pets in our home. This morning, I noticed our parakeet looking at ‘himself’ in a mirror in his cage. He must think it is another bird like himself because he sits there for hours singing to his ‘friend.’ But the ‘other’ bird never sings back!

Do you ever feel like you are ‘singing’ your values and beliefs to your teenage son or daughter and there is no response, like you are talking to yourself? One thing is true: Unlike the bird in the mirror, your kids are hearing you whether or not they are living out your words or not. Continue to model for them good behavior and sing out your love to them. One day, it may make a difference!

In the meantime, here are some tips you can use to improve your relationship with your child:

1. Give your child unconditional love and acceptance.
2. Learn to better listen to your teen’s ideas, even if you don’t agree with them.
3. Model good behavior to your child. Be a good example.
4. Show your child that he or she has value and is important.
5. Allow your child to participate in decisionmaking with your guidance.
6. Give positive ‘strokes’ as much as possible such as compliments, hugs or pats on the back.
7. Don’t just focus on bad behavior or poor performance. Look for improvement and emphasize this instead.

Remember that your words, no matter how well meant, will seldom be heard if the relationship is not there. So cultivate an atmosphere of love and trust!

Enjoy!
Terry

Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC, is the founder and director of The Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan that has served and supported children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD for over eleven years. He is a graduate of the ADD Coach Academy and the Coaches Training Institute and serves as vice president of the board of directors of the ADHD Coaches Organization. He is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, Dr. Dickson speaks regularly on ADHD and has been interviewed locally and nationally on radio, television, and CHADD’s Ask the Expert online. Dr. Dickson and his wife of 32 years have two teenage children, both of whom have ADHD.

Ten Traits of Terrific Teachers

by Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC

Although this blog is addressed to parents, I hope teachers will identify and agree with the traits I describe.

Is your child struggling at school? What is his or her relationship with the teacher like?

Recently I was reminded of how NOT to teach students. My teenage daughter told me about an incident at school in which her feelings were quite hurt. Her teacher approached her and asked: "How did YOU get into Honors English? What kind of grade did you get in English before?" Ironically, my daughter has a solid "B" in the class, which isn't too bad. Perhaps you have encountered a teacher like this one before. Now if this particular teacher thought that she was encouraging, I've got news for her. You cannot hurt someone's feelings and then expect him or her to work harder. It usually doesn't work that way. In my opinion, the best teacher is someone who helps rather than discourages, who brings out the positives and is flexible to different learning styles.

In reality, the best teacher for a child with ADHD is someone who:
1. Is a good role model and is firm and fair to all students.

2. Has a positive attitude and tries to bring out the best in students.

3. Has a well-structured classroom with an environment that is safe and comfortable.

4. Is able to assist students with transitions and help them maintain focus and attention.

5. Is flexible to different learning styles.

6. Provides a high level of expectations yet is able to assist students to achieve success when they face new challenges.

7. Provides predictability in routines and schedules.

8. Is able to provide accommodations for students with special needs.

9. Emphasizes improvement and personal best efforts

10. Offers a lot of "hands-on," engaging instruction.

 

Terry M. Dickson, MD, ACG, CPCC, is the founder and director of The Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan that has served and supported children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD for over eleven years. He is a graduate of the ADD Coach Academy and the Coaches Training Institute and serves as vice president of the board of directors of the ADHD Coaches Organization. He is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach. Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, Dr. Dickson speaks regularly on ADHD and has been interviewed locally and nationally on radio, television, and CHADD’s Ask the Expert online. Dr. Dickson and his wife of 32 years have two teenage children, both of whom have ADHD.

Using Codewords

 

by Elaine Taylor-Klaus, CPCC

As long as I can recall, in our family we’ve used codewords to ease communication. When my kids were really little, they were visual cues, like reminders to use a fork or requests to lower the volume. As they grew older, they became verbal cues to help our kids learn to manage the intense emotionality that often comes with ADHD and anxiety.

Codewords are cues that we all agree upon in our family, words that we use to communicate with each other succinctly. Like a family whistle peeling through the air in a public space, codewords help us get to the heart of a matter quickly. Better yet, they help us avoid unnecessary meltdowns.

For example, “bubblegum” is a word we’ve used for about fourteen years. It means, “Brace yourself, because you might not like what I’m about to tell you.” Broccoli ice cream” has been around even longer. It means, “Someone is losing the ability to cope because s/he’s hungry. Stop everything, now, and get some food!”

Much like crying “uncle” when you’re ready to give up a wrestling match, codewords communicate big concepts in a flash. “Rope” in my family means, “Okay, everyone, back off because I’m trying really hard not to lose my cool.” And “Don’t poke the bear” (okay, it’s a codephrase), means, “leave your sister or brother alone because she’s really not in the mood right now to be messed with.”

What triggers in your family could be avoided with a few well-chosen codewords? If you’re not sure, ask your kids. Not only will they probably know, but they’ll likely do a better job of naming them than you. After all, would you ever have come up with broccoli ice cream?




Elaine Taylor-Klaus, CPCC, is the cofounder of ImpactADHD.com. Her website offers support for parents of children with ADHD, including tips, strategies, and coaching to make family life work. Whether new to the world of ADHD, or worn out from managing it, Elaine helps parents improve family life. Visit www.ImpactADHD.com.

Authoritative Parenting Has the Edge



by Tracey Powell, MS

 

In my coaching practice, when I begin to see family routine tides turning from frustrating and negative to more optimistic and healthy, two shifts are typically happening: 1) parents begin taking responsibility for their actions and get curious on how they can better influence their children’s behavior, 2) parents make less frequent use of practices falling into either the Authoritarian or Permissive parenting category, and instead begin opting for a more Authoritative approach.

If you can get past the confusing Authoritarian/Authoritative terminology, consider that Authoritative styles are consistently associated with positive outcomes for kids, like self-reliance, compliance, positive attitudes, etc. In Authoritative parenting the parent determines the structure, the child makes the choice to follow the structure or not (and experience consequences). This style teaches the child they can make good decisions and experience the payoffs.

It's especially important for children with ADHD and related conditions to experience a consistent structure where they can learn and experience some success. I also find in my family coaching work that parents come in frustrated, and may have forgotten their power to teach their child new habits and reward their efforts step by step. So, if you feel you've been stuck in your efforts to bring about a more peaceful, effective routine with your kids, it might be time to check in on your parenting style.

An Authoritarian style is typically a bit demanding, holding sometimes unrealistically high expectations (especially if the child has ADHD or other learning disability), and downplaying the need for the child to have input into decisionmaking. Authoritarian parents sometimes have a hard time rewarding progress, and might wonder, “Why should I thank my kid for making his bed, when that’s what he’s supposed to be doing?!”

If you find yourself using or thinking phrases like, “You might not like me but you will respect me,” or “do it now or else you won’t see your phone all weekend,” you might have Authoritarian parenting tendencies. The big problem with Authoritarian parenting techniques is they tend not to work for children with ADHD and related conditions. They can escalate conflict; leave little room for relationship building between the parent and child; and don't nurture the child's budding decisionmaking skills.

Parents with a Permissive style typically prefer to avoid conflict, provide inconsistent or no structure regarding rules and boundaries, and sometimes fall into relating to their kids more as friends than parents. Sometimes Permissive parents have trouble regulating their own emotions and behaviors. They can sometimes be overly helpful (enabling) toward their children and fail to support their kids in learning self-reliance. Sometimes the kid’s failure to take responsibility catches the Permissive parent on a bad day, leading the parent to do something drastic like throw out all the toys when a child won’t clean them up. The parent might later feel bad for overreacting and replace all the toys, leading to a lesson-not-learned.

Permissive parenting is ineffective for a child with ADHD because these children (and children in general) do best with consistency and clearly-set limits. The children end up feeling less safe and don’t take the parent seriously because of the lack of consistency, and the parent can feel drained by allowing so much flexibility.

Authoritative parents have high standards, but have reasonable expectations and take their children’s uniqueness into account when setting those expectations. It can be hard to shift toward being more Authoritative because sometimes parents feel they’re giving kids too much control, or it seems like extra work to always be calm and think of choices for the kids to make. I would argue that making the shift is worth some discomfort at first. You won’t be there to make all your child’s decisions, so it's important to make sure they have this skill. If you’re still not convinced, give some of the techniques a try and see if you find they’re more effective with your child. Kids can certainly surprise us when we put a goal out there, take a step back, and let them take charge of whether they're going to meet it.

If you've been leaning on an Authoritarian style, try thinking less about controlling the situation and more about building the trusting relationship and skills you want to develop with your kids.

Permissive parents, try thinking less about helping and doing things quickly, and more about building good self-care habits for yourself and your kids.

Remember it's about balance between being loving and providing structure, and supporting the growing tide of independence in our kids. Where do you fall on the Authoritarian—Permissive spectrum? Do you think Authoritative practices work best?


Tracey Powell, MS, has over five years of experience as an individual coach/therapist and family coach and is affiliated with Psych Ed Coaches in Northern Virginia. She specializes in working with people with ADHD and related conditions including anxiety, depression, social challenges, and academic/career/personal transitions. Tracey works with children through adults and takes a supportive, action-oriented approach to helping clients meet clearly defined goals. She really enjoys helping parents develop positive parenting practices. Tracey is also a certified volunteer parenting educator with CHADD.

A Mother Thinking About Mothers: Taking Care of Everyone Else

I, too, can get overwhelmed taking care of everyone else.

As mothers of these extraordinary sons and daughters with AD/HD we take on a demanding role– and, as I’ve written, and as many of you have commented, these young people just require more. More nurturing, more thought, coordination, patience and emotion.

Now add to this equation: Caring for ill parents (who may be living far away, requiring many plane trips back and forth), running small businesses, helping husbands with their strategy documents, handling major family issues that can span months, doing projects for special charities and interviews for our alma maters, helping friends who have suffered the loss of mothers or brothers. What time is left for us?

We deny ourselves, and as we do that, we subtly move further and further down the priority list: We don’t have the time to read more than the front page of our morning newspapers, or to sit and enjoy muffins – while the coffee is still hot, or sleep seven hours at night, without waking at 2:00 a.m. and chiding ourselves for everything we didn’t get done the past day.

We do significantly more parenting: Is it 25% more or 50% more? Then we are questioned more intensely and criticized more adamantly. On top of that we handle the usual family cares that other mothers handle. We say to ourselves, let me just finish the emails, do the research, make the doctor and vet appointments, pay the bills, get the faucet fixed, prescriptions ordered, taxes done and the invitations addressed. Then it’s time to call our mothers, and return belated calls to our friends, college roommates whose daughters are getting married, business associates who are trying to reconnect, and work on our languishing Facebook pages. (I couldn’t help but notice that as I’m writing this, I’ve been interrupted ten times.)

At the end of the day, there is no time left for ourselves, and we think, if only, we were more organized, if only things didn’t take as long, if only we had more time and less complexity in our lives. It is that persistent, critical, inner voice.

So, I must apologize for the silence and for not getting “pen-to-paper” or, rather, for not getting entries uploaded to my blog instead of having them sit almost-finished and dormant as Word files in my computer. Your comments and thoughts inspired me to keep writing. Thank you, Tammie, for asking if everything was all right. Thank you, Zoe, for saying I’ve reminded you to see the beauty of your child, and Michelle for saying this blog really matters.

So what better time to celebrate us than Mother’s Day?

I’ve thought about this a great deal: We provide the continuity, the energy, the definition, the structure not only for our children’s lives but also for our families’ lives. We are like the invisible force of gravity that keeps the stars aligned and circling in our personal family galaxies. Without us, the center would not hold and everyone and everything would scatter. Because of us, everything stays together, but our efforts, like gravity, are invisible. Surprise: If we do it right, no one notices.

But who in our immediate circle of family and friends actually recognizes the crucial and complex role we play? To tell you the truth, I don’t think they will ever be able to understand the enormous, instinctive and unrelenting sense of responsibility we feel. That sense of responsibility creates a high water mark in our lives; that is where our work begins and everything else is layered on top of it.

Although we can’t change the circumstances, I have four ideas that can help us: Be confident in knowing what you are accomplishing with your children. Start establishing some space for yourself and do something you love to do, as in my case, writing. Persevere in standing up for yourself. Don’t expect the others in our lives to truly understand. They cannot because their experience is very different from ours. Instead, seek out the understanding, the acknowledgement from other mothers who live this day-by-day. Where are these mothers? They may be our friends who also have children with AD/HD; they are the mothers in CHADD’s local support groups; or, mothers commenting here, as amherron who said, “we can share the laughter and tears that parenting these wonderful brilliant and oh-so-challenging children bring to our lives.”

And we can celebrate Mother’s Day knowing that there are many others out there who truly understand.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Best,
Nadine

"Seen and Not Heard"

Have you ever heard the saying “Children should be seen and not heard” when you were growing up? I did. Being the only child of the entire family (I didn’t even have cousins), it was daunting to hear this comment from some conservative European relatives. My observations and opinions were not taken seriously — simply because of my youth.

The reason I bring this up is that our society seems to have this attitude towards children with ADHD: They should be seen and not heard.

Children with ADHD shouldn’t upset the natural order of things in the household, in school or in grocery stores, parks, malls or museums.

They shouldn’t ask too many probing questions about gravity or chemical reactions. This is considered annoying. Instead, they should be satisfied hearing the standard pat answers. As Blake was once told by a teacher, “That’s all you need to know right now.”

They shouldn’t point out the inconsistencies in a parent’s logic. This is considered being disrespectful. “Why are you telling me not to drive with one hand on the wheel when you do it?” my daughter Madison will say to my husband. “That’s different; I’m the adult,” my husband will respond, irritated. “I didn’t question my mother when she told me something.” Maybe they just want to understand the rationale behind a particular rule, not necessarily counter the rule.

They shouldn’t point out an error in a teacher’s lecture. Teachers oftentimes will figure that the student is trying to embarrass them or act like a wise guy. Blake’s science teacher didn’t like being told that Jupiter had more than four moons. Blake had just been at the planetarium and was volunteering this information, but the teacher got offended. Maybe the student is actually thinking about the content of the lecture or has some new information to tell the class.

They shouldn’t be restless when they have that very physical need to move. “Why can’t you sit still? Why are you tapping your pencil?” Madison’s biology teacher will tell her. They should be like all the others sitting quietly.

They shouldn’t defend themselves when they are wrongly accused of doing something because they are considered argumentative. Madison was helping organize a classmate who was late to French class, but the teacher thought she was just chatting socially. “But I wasn’t chatting, I was helping her,” Madison protested. “C’est tout! Je ne peux pas enseigner en haut de tes voix fortes! Jennifer et Madison, sortez-vous la class!” the teacher said as she banished Madison and her friend from class.

They shouldn’t act up because they are bored. They should just grin and bear it.

Children with ADHD shouldn’t ruffle people’s feathers. “Why is Aunt Hilda being mean to grandma and saying it with a smile?” Blake asked. These children have the courage and honesty to say what everyone else is thinking and not saying—and then are faulted for saying it. They see when people are being hurtful or dishonest, and they call them on it.

I think many people do not understand their depth — of intelligence, of emotion, of perception, of passion.

Children with ADHD are expected to just fit in and not be different. (Notice that being different has a negative connotation.) In 6th grade, Blake wanted to talk about cloud formations, hurricanes, tornadoes, and the Martian space probes with his friends, but his friends wanted to talk about Spider Man and The Hulk. In middle school, Madison was very much a tomboy and loved biology, emergency vet, riding her Razor scooter down the hill and soccer. She wasn’t yet interested in lipstick shades or flirting with boys like many of the other girls. Children with ADHD have many interests and shouldn’t be faulted for it. We should encourage their curiosity.

The irony is: Aren’t the innovators, the individualists, exactly what we need more of? Should we be dampening this spirit in these children, making them fit into some kind of arbitrary mold? As Dr. Stephen Hinshaw of UC Berkeley said in a presentation for CHADD’s ADHD Awareness Day last September at Berkeley, “If ADHD were so bad, it would have been naturally selected out of the population generations ago. Obviously, many of its traits were prized by earlier societies.”

Not only do we need to see these children with ADHD but also hear them — and maybe even listen to what they are saying. We may learn a lot.

Best,
Nadine

Legos & iTunes

A Lego Space Shuttle, Legend the Beanie Baby Dragon, the “Age of Empires” computer game, an Orca whale stuffed animal, a Ferrari sports car model, an Abercrombie and Fitch camisole, iTunes songs, the Twilight DVD, an iPod, J. Crew corduroy slacks, and ribbon-tied, shortbread cookies from The Cakery bakery in downtown Burlingame, California. What do all these things have in common? Hint: This is not a holiday shopping list, as you may have guessed. All the items on this list were rewards either for my son Blake or my daughter Madison, as they were growing up. That’s right, rewards that acknowledged and celebrated their many efforts and accomplishments at home, in school, with relatives and friends, in community service, in extracurricular activities, and in sports, These were acknowledgements for doing something good -- big or small -- for something of which they were proud, at all the different stages of their childhood and teenage years.

In 5th grade, Madison completed her Harry Potter book report and created a mobile using a wizard hat as a centerpiece from which handcrafted figures from the Sorcerer’s Stone dangled. She wrote about the plot, theme and characters on construction paper squares that also dangled from the hat. She was creative and thoughtful. As a reward, I told her we would go and pick out another Beanie Baby for her collection that included iguanas, antelopes, bears, dogs and dinosaurs. Yet another colorful furry creature that would perch above her bed.

Blake practiced each day for a half hour on the piano learning one of Clementi’s Sonatinas leading up to the winter piano recital at the church. It was a complex and technically difficult piece to learn, requiring much patience. In addition, he had to wear a navy blazer and grey wool slacks to the recital and he had to take a bow in front of the audience. Our family celebrated later by going to the Cheese Cake Factory for dinner and I got him the computer game “Empire Earth” that he always wanted.

To tell you the truth, it doesn’t matter what the particular reward is. It does matter greatly that you decide to give it to your child and that the reward is something they love and want. It says simply: “I love you and I am proud of you. What you do is important to me” – all powerful words for a child with ADHD.

What are some of the other things that I rewarded? Blake organized his closet, sat politely through a long dinner party with relatives, finished the research and writing for his 8th grade English Share Project. We picked out a red model Ferrari that joined his silver Lamborghini and blue Porsche on his bookshelf.

In 9th grade, Madison organized a group of girls to help with community service work for our local greyhound rescue group. We did gift-wrapping with the greyhounds at Borders Book Store where we brought a group of former racing greyhounds into the bookstore, as part of an adoption event during the holiday season. The girls gift-wrapped books as the members of the rescue group talked to Border’s customers about greyhounds as pets and the urgent need for adoption. All tips and donations went to the rescue group, and I had Madison pick out “The Notebook” DVD she always wanted.

We all need rewards, recognition for our accomplishments, but I notice that children with ADHD need this symbolic recognition more frequently. They need something to strive for. Something to keep them going when it is hard to focus for hours on that biology or chemistry homework, studying for the SAT exam, doing the water polo drills and laps, or preparing for a part-time job interview.

Other people may chide me and say, the accomplishment itself is enough of a reward. But I politely disagree. True, an accomplishment stands on its own merit, but it seems as if our adult lives are all about results and returns on investments. What if our children’s results are not so stellar? What if your child tried really hard to do something and met with modest success – didn’t do well on a test, didn’t get selected as a starter for the team? As parents, can we take this one time in their lives and recognize their effort? Think of what that says to your child. It says I know how hard it was for you to do that, and I reward your effort – regardless of the results. That acknowledgement is crucial. Besides, there is plenty of time in the years ahead for the world to exert its influence.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Best,
Nadine

P.S. Blake still wants those shortbread cookies even though he is in college.

Read more about ADHD on the CHADD website www.chadd.org and learn more about a young person’s experience growing up with ADHD on Blake’s website www.youngwithadhd.com